wow, I’m really dragging things out this morning. it’s 9:28 an I’m just about to start work. not feeling it. or even: I know myself and I know if I start it, I may get sucked into it. into a job for a company I don’t truly believe in. into work that I’m doing for strangers — not one I’m doing for myself and for those around me. it’s not a terrible thing. it got me this far. it’s paid well. I think I’m somewhat respected — or at least I realise now that it’s partially on me to carry myself in a way that demands respect. and I’m actually good at many things I do. sometimes I genuinely thrive on this shit. I can easily find my space where I actually enjoy this employee, office worker, team lead, important sounding title life. but it’s not all there is to my life overall. it’s what I do, not who I am. I can do better at doing myself. I want to honestly, genuinely try. I will give it a more concentrated try. I feel I already started doing it. I better don’t play myself

[11:05] I love watching myself regress. as soon as I get to a somewhat uncomfortable task, I start procrastinating: making diversions and going down rabbit holes. even writing this is part of that — I justify it as an exercise in awareness. noticing the behaviour and saying I’m not satisfied with that is the first step towards a state where I can improve

too much gentrification, too few gentry