day nineteen

how did we get ourselves into this glorious mess?

I have nothing but questions, yet I wouldn’t trust anyone who claims to have answers

I’m pausing the journaling/logging: our routine can be improved, but for now it’s more important that we found a rhythm that works and gives us enough flexibility as well. (I realise last week I somehow shifted from taking note of the time of an activity to taking note of when I updated the post — I’m not quite sure how that happened). I need to air my thoughts instead: get back to the idea of using a diary to reflect. and I do want to write or at least take notes during the day again, because writing half asleep is no fun

on Tuesday I found myself in a dark place. within my own head. maybe it was because the sanctity of my home is being invaded by work. maybe the splendid self-isolation is taking its toll on my extroverted personality. maybe it’s because senior people in our company are embracing a narrative I believe is wrong (“oh we should be looking at Asia and contact tracing solutions as the example to follow” — yeah, let’s ignore the deeply held cultural differences between Europe and Asia when it comes to “privacy”, not to mention how such tools are perfect for oppressive regimes, while less proven in the control of pandemics). maybe it’s the mild anxiety attack I had from watching reports about China “fixing” the coronavirus situation by mandating tracking applications for everyone, everywhere. maybe it was just a sweeping avalanche of paranoia since I haven’t smoked for five days after smoking pretty much daily for the previous two weeks. no highs without lows I guess

anyway, Wednesday went better and I’d like to think that I’m making progress processing some of my thoughts and feelings. confusing times. I’m not sure if there really is a coronavirus crisis (can’t see shit from my living room and it still feels unreal), or we’re just generating one (or: this is still just the prequel to an actual crisis). but it’s definitely an intense period of uncertainty. as a result, I believe I started to project my greatest hopes and my biggest fears into the current situation — and what may follow after. on good days I totally see how this could help humankind slow down, embrace that we’re part of nature, curb consumerism and our destructive habits. on bad days it’s just a highway to a techno dystopia. realistically, it’ll be neither, but it’ll also be some twisted combination of both. I cannot wait to see how it unfolds. maybe that’s it: my problem is that I want to binge watch the future.

I want to learn how to pace myself in this new reality. if only I understood what this new reality is…