Please don’t judge me. I don’t enjoy doing this more, than you enjoy watching it. I’m not proud of substance abuse — I cannot be, because I was taught that pride is a sin and sin is shame. I don’t know who taught me that and I don’t know when. But I learnt this is my programming. I can now see that — thus, I’m eternally torn between believing it’s thanks to my medicine (that I see clearer), and thinking it’s due to my poison (that it made me more confused). Only if this perspective, this vantage point where I’m standing now was a tool and I could learn to use it correctly

Can I ask or expect anyone, but myself to believe in my legacy, and to help me reconcile my thinking brain and my feeling mind?

Speaking of legacy: never care about who visits the funeral. See who goes to visit the grave a year later. Five years on. Ten years on. Or for thousands of years

PS: I’m not saying I want people to visit my grave for long — that part is instructional, because I want to learn mourning, grief, and remembrance